Not a normal light hearted blog post but something real. Personally, something hard to share but hopefully beneficial to someone out there. Not everything is cocktails and fall outfits. I’m learning that it’s okay to be Vulnerable sometimes. Here it is, things no one tells you part two a sisters experience with grief.
The thing people outside your grief cannot understand: that you have not simply lost one person, at one point in time. You have lost their presence in every part of your life. Every day is different for you, your future has now changed as well as your now.
For me sometimes I miss you without realizing I do, I’ll notice I see you in strangers walking by. They’ll have their back turned, I’ll think it’s you and my heart will skip a beat, then followed by a sickly moment of realization; that it can’t be you, since you’ve been dead for a while now.
These moments make us realize that sometimes you will have it under control. It lies low, under the radar to where you no longer notice it. Then Sometimes your grief will hit you like a freight train. You don’t know when it will happen. It could have been years since you last felt it, but then you are suddenly wracked with pain and sadness, until there’s nothing but numbness left. The thing no one tells you is that it’s a continuous cycle rather than step one to step two to step three and so on. Not everyone visits those stages in order, and some will skip a step or two. There’s no time limit on grief because there is no time limit on love, and there is no right way or wrong way to mourn. Those feelings you think you should be over aren’t right or wrong – they’re valid. Just know that no matter what anyone says, you do not have to move on. That’s an insane idea.
Even the most caring friends stop asking how you are in the mistaken belief that you must be okay now.
I lost my brother how am I expected to live in a world that doesn’t include him? All my life I’ve been my brother’s sister, it’s a part of who I am. He’s a part of my past, we shared more history than anyone and we had plans for our future. Siblings are tied together with a common bond cemented in childhood, we are fooled by the idea that we will always be there for each other as we move though life. We may have stepped away from the common family path to pursue our own callings, but only our brothers and sisters know that no matter where that path goes they will be a part of it. My brother had been a constant in my life, all my life, because of this losing him destroyed my illusion of permanence in a stronger way than other deaths. We take for granted that our siblings will be there to help you cope with the death of our parents, to be the one to tell stories of your childhood at your wedding, and we assume that our siblings will grow old beside us. So of course, we will feel abandoned when these assumptions are consumed by death.
It’s okay to be sad years later. It’s okay to not want to talk about it. It’s okay to hate certain dates. It’s okay to miss them.